Wednesday 18 November 2009
21:45 | Posted by
Dale Darley |
I open the car door and lift my legs out and suddenly I am struck by the cold on my bare feet, I quickly stuff them into warm socks and boots head off. Its freezing, I am not properly dressed as I push my hands into my jeans pockets and zip up my top. The early morning crispness is refreshing as it hits my face like a slap from cold flannel. The peace swirls around caressing my senses. There are just a few early risers walking their dogs, we greet each other, me with a smile hiding the hurt I feel, they matching my smile, I am a good actress they don’t see the turmoil I feel.
The dirty mustard sand gives way to dewy grass and then pitted dark concrete as I head towards the coast path. I pass through the gate and into the mist. The sound of the waves crashing on the grey stern rocks draws me towards them. They stand stubborn and unmoving as the water batters them. I clamber down and get closer to the murky water, my life rushes in and out in time with the ebb and flow. Looking around I find small pebbles smooth to the touch, wet like the tears on my face which I hadn’t noticed which taste of saltiness as I lick my lips. I hurl the pebbles into the water, my anger unabated as I scream at the sky, ‘fucking fucking bastard’. It feels so good to let it all go. The stones hit the water and disappear, plop, and still the wave’s crash on the rocks, they don’t care.
I sit exhausted on a rough wet boulder, my shoulders drop and I cast my mind back to the table still laid and the food I have cooked, now frozen in sad single person portions, ready for another day. I laugh, you don’t know but I haven’t cooked in 15 years, I am amused that I tried so hard, the irony of it all, I cooked and no one came.
Its time to march, release pent up energy, back to the path and on towards the gully. The sun starts to rise above the houses that skirt the beach, its strong yellow rays hit my eyes and blind me temporarily, it’s a new day and a new start, no time to be sad. I greet mad Mike out with his 10 dogs, we shoot the breeze and then I am off. In no time at all I am at the gully. Memories flood in as I remember that I used to run up there 20 years ago, but there is nowhere for me to run today.
Turning around the sun’s warmth hits my back, my shadow is cast forward, I am 10 feet tall, and the years of darkness are behind me. Holding my head up, I am proud to be me, I am glad of this walk I am alive and I can feel.
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