Thursday 18 December 2008
21:53 | Posted by
Dale Darley |
Its a beautiful day and I am glad to be alive, the sun is out and the birds are singing on this modern housing estate in Kent, the garden of England. The houses are just a bit too close to each other for my liking, I like my space.
This weekend is one of celebration, for 1 year ago about this time something happened that made me wish I was dead. The only other time I wanted to die was when my hormones kicked in at about 12/13ish, becsuse then I didn’t know what the hell was happening to my body, scary or what! No this was a realisation that I had to give up trying to fix someone and get on with living or in that moment dying becuase I thought I’d had my chips!!
But what a wonderful year I have had. My mum said to me in December I am so glad that I have my wild child daughter back, I didn’t think she had gone away. But mums know best. My brother said something similar to me last night, so welcome back you nutty cow.
Last night and on many nights I observe people in relationships who stifle each other. I went and talked to a guy on his own, similar age to me. How could I tell. Well he knew all the words to the songs too. So anyway we talked, he was out with his kids, wife wasnt interested. And then the story of his relationship slowly unfolded. Like so many we forget why we got together with someone, forget the passion, your tummy turning over, looking deep into their eyes, laughing at really stupid things, talking rubbish, holding hands, having sex in the kitchen, touching thier skin and just being. You get the picture.
For much of the night I danced alone, dragging the odd person up. They laughed the odd person. I expect thier wife didnt want to dance either. But I loved just getting up and doing what I wanted to do, without anyone saying oi you cant do that. Not sure I will be happy with the pictures or the videos of me dancing and playing around with my nieces. But hey who cares!
Dont get me wrong freedom is a fine thing but it gets lonely being free, but thank goodness for the daily reminders that being in a relationship aint all its cracked up to be.
So my little note is not about me feeling alone, I choose to be on my own at the moment, until someone comes along who really gets me and lets me be me, I will stay this way. This note is a gentle reminder to all of those who woke up next to thier partner this morning and didn’t stay long enough to make love, to stare deeply into their eyes, touch thier skin, connect with thier souls, to linger longer long enough to show that they really cared. Stop and take your time, today is the first day of your new love affair with your best friend.
This weekend is one of celebration, for 1 year ago about this time something happened that made me wish I was dead. The only other time I wanted to die was when my hormones kicked in at about 12/13ish, becsuse then I didn’t know what the hell was happening to my body, scary or what! No this was a realisation that I had to give up trying to fix someone and get on with living or in that moment dying becuase I thought I’d had my chips!!
But what a wonderful year I have had. My mum said to me in December I am so glad that I have my wild child daughter back, I didn’t think she had gone away. But mums know best. My brother said something similar to me last night, so welcome back you nutty cow.
Last night and on many nights I observe people in relationships who stifle each other. I went and talked to a guy on his own, similar age to me. How could I tell. Well he knew all the words to the songs too. So anyway we talked, he was out with his kids, wife wasnt interested. And then the story of his relationship slowly unfolded. Like so many we forget why we got together with someone, forget the passion, your tummy turning over, looking deep into their eyes, laughing at really stupid things, talking rubbish, holding hands, having sex in the kitchen, touching thier skin and just being. You get the picture.
For much of the night I danced alone, dragging the odd person up. They laughed the odd person. I expect thier wife didnt want to dance either. But I loved just getting up and doing what I wanted to do, without anyone saying oi you cant do that. Not sure I will be happy with the pictures or the videos of me dancing and playing around with my nieces. But hey who cares!
Dont get me wrong freedom is a fine thing but it gets lonely being free, but thank goodness for the daily reminders that being in a relationship aint all its cracked up to be.
So my little note is not about me feeling alone, I choose to be on my own at the moment, until someone comes along who really gets me and lets me be me, I will stay this way. This note is a gentle reminder to all of those who woke up next to thier partner this morning and didn’t stay long enough to make love, to stare deeply into their eyes, touch thier skin, connect with thier souls, to linger longer long enough to show that they really cared. Stop and take your time, today is the first day of your new love affair with your best friend.
Saturday 7 June 2008
Speck a short and rather elderly dog ran out from her garden and excitedly scampered around us. We laughed, normally on our walks dogs just barked at us. We had no idea how to get home from here across the common. Speck it seemed was a little messenger sent from the angels to guide us across the unkempt fields. She ran ahead waiting until we caught up and then charged ahead. Part way across we decided to name her, Bouncer and Lassie.
A bit further along and we started to worry, she wasn't going home. I called her to heel she did, thank goodness for Barbara Woodhouse. But no sooner did she heel did she decide to run off, not back home but further towards the road that was looming in the distance.
Heel Lassie I cried, come here Bouncer my friend yelled. She came over and rolled onto her back and waited for a tummy tickle. Thats it we knew, we could either walk all the way back or walk her across the road and back to ours pick up the car and drive her back. We didn't want to go back, earlier in the walk we had been charged by some young cows and there was no way we wanted to go back to where these 'dangerous' beasts lay in waiting.
As we neared Bryncethin 2 houses appeared at the edge of the common. We stopped and asked if they knew the dog? No. But they did give us a rope that we could use as a lead.
So we walked Bouncer Lassie to a nearby road, called for help and waited for our lift to turn up in his very nice clean car. Then began the uncertain trip back to where we thought we had picked her up. Eventually after a few false turns we found the house and handed her back.
A bit further along and we started to worry, she wasn't going home. I called her to heel she did, thank goodness for Barbara Woodhouse. But no sooner did she heel did she decide to run off, not back home but further towards the road that was looming in the distance.
Heel Lassie I cried, come here Bouncer my friend yelled. She came over and rolled onto her back and waited for a tummy tickle. Thats it we knew, we could either walk all the way back or walk her across the road and back to ours pick up the car and drive her back. We didn't want to go back, earlier in the walk we had been charged by some young cows and there was no way we wanted to go back to where these 'dangerous' beasts lay in waiting.
As we neared Bryncethin 2 houses appeared at the edge of the common. We stopped and asked if they knew the dog? No. But they did give us a rope that we could use as a lead.
So we walked Bouncer Lassie to a nearby road, called for help and waited for our lift to turn up in his very nice clean car. Then began the uncertain trip back to where we thought we had picked her up. Eventually after a few false turns we found the house and handed her back.
Sunday 1 June 2008
This weekend I travelled from my home town 70 miles to a small mid wales town called Llanwrtyd Wells. It was billed as the smallest town in Britain, and it certainly was. However what it lacked in size it made up for in heart.
We arrived from the direction of Llandovery smack into the square and our hotel the Neuadd Arms dominated the small area. It looked a little tatty unlike the lovely picture on the website. Our rooms were small, clean and had everything you would need for a short stay.
Before setting off for our walk we called into the Drovers Rest for a cup of tea. Peter the owner was lovely and chatty and told us all about the history of the area. Before leaving we glimpsed his evening menu, wow it looked fantastic, had we not been on a budget we would have definitely been back.
We set off towards Victoria Wells and the log cabin holiday centre as advised by the map we were following, so far so good. A short distance into the walk the map simply didn't deliver enough instructions about which way to head, so if in doubt go straight ahead - first mistake. We ended up by the Old St Davids church and kept walking. The morning was hot and clammy and we were grateful for the peace in the countryside, just the birds singing and the river to keep us company.
The scenery was breathtaking, hills, trees and a clear blue sky, a few houses dotted around and the occasional car.
An hour and a bit into our walk, we came upon 2 farmers, obviously father and son, who looked at the map shook their heads and told us where we were was not on our map. We were given instructions to cross the river a little further down near some cottages, which we did. We headed up the bridle path, which was wet and rocky, oh and very steep, great for those buttocks. At the top we wisely decided to head to the right which we believed would eventually take us back to town. Sadly the path ended and we had to make our way through the forest. Not realising that the innocent looking grass was actually a bog, I lost my foot in the mess, fell forwards and scrabbled to firmer ground. My friend had an equally messy time. Giggling we headed off into the unknown of the dark forest.
From here we ducked the branches and made our way through the trees and down the side of the hill, to another path. This time we headed right and ended up at the start of the bridle path.
We stopped at a spot with a small pool of water overlooking the farm and ate the first rolls from our packed lunch, brie and grapes.
From here we made our way back down the hill and was greeted by the owner another friendly man whose accent suggested South Africa, we didn't ask but his rugby jersey also gave the game away. A few minutes later and we were back on the road. Our 2nd rolls were devoured at the picnic area kindly set up by the Welsh Assembly Government. The river had become a small pool, such stillness, further along a father and son were swimming.
We stopped at the Stonecroft Inn for a swift half and chatted to the girl behind the bar. Hopeful for a band later that night, but sadly we were to be disapointed.
4 hours later we arrived back at our hotel, where a nicely chilled bottle of white wine was waiting for us. A small sleep and then we were ready to sample the delights of the town.
The bar of our hotel contained just a few people who were chatty and funny. We ate and headed to the Stonecroft Inn. It was unusually quiet for a Sat night and sat at the bar was a selection of older men who as it turns out very highly entertaining and were a pleasure to talk to. And even the old farmer who clearly loved to be rude, had a smile teased out of him. He did tell us that there were plenty more fish in the sea, not quite sure of the context, but it pleased him.
Many drinks later we had made friends with the lovely landlord and a selection of younger locals, who made us feel so incredibly welcome that we will certainly be hoping to go back and sing some more Neil Diamond with them.
Would I go back. Damm right I would.
We arrived from the direction of Llandovery smack into the square and our hotel the Neuadd Arms dominated the small area. It looked a little tatty unlike the lovely picture on the website. Our rooms were small, clean and had everything you would need for a short stay.
Before setting off for our walk we called into the Drovers Rest for a cup of tea. Peter the owner was lovely and chatty and told us all about the history of the area. Before leaving we glimpsed his evening menu, wow it looked fantastic, had we not been on a budget we would have definitely been back.
We set off towards Victoria Wells and the log cabin holiday centre as advised by the map we were following, so far so good. A short distance into the walk the map simply didn't deliver enough instructions about which way to head, so if in doubt go straight ahead - first mistake. We ended up by the Old St Davids church and kept walking. The morning was hot and clammy and we were grateful for the peace in the countryside, just the birds singing and the river to keep us company.
The scenery was breathtaking, hills, trees and a clear blue sky, a few houses dotted around and the occasional car.
An hour and a bit into our walk, we came upon 2 farmers, obviously father and son, who looked at the map shook their heads and told us where we were was not on our map. We were given instructions to cross the river a little further down near some cottages, which we did. We headed up the bridle path, which was wet and rocky, oh and very steep, great for those buttocks. At the top we wisely decided to head to the right which we believed would eventually take us back to town. Sadly the path ended and we had to make our way through the forest. Not realising that the innocent looking grass was actually a bog, I lost my foot in the mess, fell forwards and scrabbled to firmer ground. My friend had an equally messy time. Giggling we headed off into the unknown of the dark forest.
From here we ducked the branches and made our way through the trees and down the side of the hill, to another path. This time we headed right and ended up at the start of the bridle path.
We stopped at a spot with a small pool of water overlooking the farm and ate the first rolls from our packed lunch, brie and grapes.
From here we made our way back down the hill and was greeted by the owner another friendly man whose accent suggested South Africa, we didn't ask but his rugby jersey also gave the game away. A few minutes later and we were back on the road. Our 2nd rolls were devoured at the picnic area kindly set up by the Welsh Assembly Government. The river had become a small pool, such stillness, further along a father and son were swimming.
We stopped at the Stonecroft Inn for a swift half and chatted to the girl behind the bar. Hopeful for a band later that night, but sadly we were to be disapointed.
4 hours later we arrived back at our hotel, where a nicely chilled bottle of white wine was waiting for us. A small sleep and then we were ready to sample the delights of the town.
The bar of our hotel contained just a few people who were chatty and funny. We ate and headed to the Stonecroft Inn. It was unusually quiet for a Sat night and sat at the bar was a selection of older men who as it turns out very highly entertaining and were a pleasure to talk to. And even the old farmer who clearly loved to be rude, had a smile teased out of him. He did tell us that there were plenty more fish in the sea, not quite sure of the context, but it pleased him.
Many drinks later we had made friends with the lovely landlord and a selection of younger locals, who made us feel so incredibly welcome that we will certainly be hoping to go back and sing some more Neil Diamond with them.
Would I go back. Damm right I would.
Friday 30 May 2008
We started walking together some years ago, adhoc probably once a month. We would always choose lovely places to go, stop for a bite and then carry on back to base.
But this year (2008) both of us wanted more. We live in a fantastically beautiful country, Wales. Just a few (well maybe more) steps from our front doors we can be in the countryside or besides the water. So this year we stepped out in earnest.
It started with a Tuesday and a weekend day, soon we planned a weekend away (more of that later), then as we became addicted to the fresh air and freedom we added Thursday night, even a trip to the cinema includes a 30 minute walk each way.
Theres something so fantastic about being outside, no TV, mostly no cars, birds singing, wind hopefully gently blowing, rivers flowing, leaves rustling, wet grass, hillside views, sheep bleating then running away, the odd curious cow or is it a bull, you get the picture.
After work when you put on your boots, relinquish the days dramas and forget that you are knackered, a sense of being alive rushes through your veins, wires your brain and sets you up for an adventure.
With so many directions to choose from, we often wonder where shall we go tonight? Whatever the choice there must be a pub somewhere along the track, it must be friendly (more about those later too) serve either good Guiness or wine and if the mood takes us good food.
And then we are off.
The more we walk the more the blog will grow, who knows there may be a walk on here for you and we may just bump into you on the way.
Don't forget to smile and say hello.
But this year (2008) both of us wanted more. We live in a fantastically beautiful country, Wales. Just a few (well maybe more) steps from our front doors we can be in the countryside or besides the water. So this year we stepped out in earnest.
It started with a Tuesday and a weekend day, soon we planned a weekend away (more of that later), then as we became addicted to the fresh air and freedom we added Thursday night, even a trip to the cinema includes a 30 minute walk each way.
Theres something so fantastic about being outside, no TV, mostly no cars, birds singing, wind hopefully gently blowing, rivers flowing, leaves rustling, wet grass, hillside views, sheep bleating then running away, the odd curious cow or is it a bull, you get the picture.
After work when you put on your boots, relinquish the days dramas and forget that you are knackered, a sense of being alive rushes through your veins, wires your brain and sets you up for an adventure.
With so many directions to choose from, we often wonder where shall we go tonight? Whatever the choice there must be a pub somewhere along the track, it must be friendly (more about those later too) serve either good Guiness or wine and if the mood takes us good food.
And then we are off.
The more we walk the more the blog will grow, who knows there may be a walk on here for you and we may just bump into you on the way.
Don't forget to smile and say hello.
Sunday 18 May 2008
I stare into the teasing flames, mind cast back, lost in thought.
There must have been together times, chopping veg, sharing wine and discussing the day. Food made, dinner served, contemplating the night. Snuggled together, warm smooth skin, kisses, sex and sleep. Waking dreamily and staring into each others eyes, caressing love thirsty skin.
As the flames lick and weave a dance around each other I see rising passions, entwining each other in silly games. As sure as the life is sucked out of the fire, day turns to night, energy is drained from romance.
At first he said that he loved my wild and free ways. Over time he tried to mould me into the woman he thought he had. Complaining about my shoes, plugs left in the sockets, ironing undone, demanding tea or declaring I’d hidden his mail. Cleaning up was woman’s work. He shouts “pass me a can” whilst sprawled on the sofa, dirty baggy joggers pulled over the ever growing paunch. The TV now entertains him and conversation certainly strains him.
In the shadow of my mind I see a monster on the sofa, mesmerised like a rabbit caught in the headlights I thought that I couldn’t escape. His behaviour crept in slowly, insidiously, trapped, it was too late before I realised I was powerless to act, my identity enmeshed with his, I was crushed.
The dying embers of the fire bring a chill to the room. Glowing volcanic rocks tell me that even though the flames of love have died down, there is hope. I poke the ashes and set about recreating the fire ready for tomorrow night.
By morning I am like a chrysalis emerging from the hard shell that bound me to his dark cocoon, I am reborn. Somehow I found an inner strength. I can smell the fresh breath of morning freedom, see blue skies ready to let me spread my wings. The once gentle caress given freely will no longer fall from his finger tips. Given time, the right person and ingredients, the flames can be re kindled. Until then.
Saturday 23 February 2008
Across the room in yet another non descript dive she met his eyes, they laugh and talk. When she wakes in the morning he is cradling her face and saying all the things that she longed to hear.
Time passes, parties galore, with nothing much in common they marry. He is supportive of her need to become better educated, whilst constantly reminding her how clever he is. She doesn't notice her confidence slipping away as the comments slip darkly from his lips. They are mingled with compliments which confuse her. This is her life. She often looks in the mirror and wonders who she sees. The little girl with so much hope or the stupid stupid wife.
Time passes love fades. She looks at the monster man, bewildered. So charming to others, the gentleman is never exposed. 10 years on, the golden key of education is passed to her. Holding it tightly she pulls on her parachute pack, heavy on her back, and jumps. Drifting surprising slowly to the ground, she is free.
Turning back to stare over the landscape of lost love, she wonders how she never noticed her identity slide away. Turning the other way she sees her angel, smiling she hands over her award, framed and ready for all to see, clever, clever girl.
6 months later, spsruced up and ready to rock, she steps confidently once again into the snake pit, bitten and smitten so easily.
Like hideous purple flocked wallpaper the pattern repeats until she no longer knows who she is or where she is going.
Stupid stupid stupid.
The cruel mouth rarely stops. By day she is a sucessful career woman, running teams and beating deadlines, at night she dares not ask a question for fear of reprisal. Sitting on the sofa staring into space. Counting the passing traffic she passes her time.
After 15 years together, he buys her a computer. He said, that with this gift she could become more useful. She smiled.
At night her fingers type, she occasionally looks up as another can of beer is opened or abuse hurled at the TV that refuses to deliver just one decent programme. Her online friends become her world.
With access to other places she builds a digital pathway to nirvana. One day she comes home, executes her plan and is gone.
He notices her missing when he suddenly realises the tapping of the keys no longer annoys him. He shrugs.
Lying in her new bed, in a another town, anticipating her new job she closes her eyes. Behind her eylids lie the remains of two battles hard fought. Trails of verbal abuse crushed into the carpet of her mind. As she steps over her bloody past towards a pale blue horizon, the mantal of victim falls off her shoulders. She sleeps.
The sun rises its a beautiful new day. She is one of the lucky ones.
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