Sunday 1 August 2010
16:30 | Posted by
Dale Darley |
At seventeen I knew that I never wanted children and insisted that mum come with me to the doctors to have my tubes tied. It seemed a sensible option, no pills, no condoms and certainly no mistakes. Of course the doctor thought I was mad, far too young and was adamant that I would in time change my mind. Mum must have been pleased when we walked away with my tubes intact and the prospect of her becoming a grandmother re-instated.
My family would often play games with me and when Eva my youngest niece was born they left her bawling on the sofa, decamped to the kitchen and giggled helplessly while I looked at the screaming thing not really quite sure what I was supposed to do with it. When after sometime they did not come back I walked over, prodded it, sat back down and waited some more. Still no one came. When eventually I clumsily picked it up, they ran in and photographed my uncomfortable face.
For another 23 years I remained happily childless. Then one June day at a friends house party a woman arrived with a brand new baby in tow. As was usual all the other women gathered around cooing and cradling the small bundle. As was usual no one passed her to me, why would they? They knew. As I stood glass of crisp white wine in my hand some strange feeling crept up from my ovaries, mingled with my hormones and wham hit me smack in the centre of my brain. I looked helplessy on, I was forty and a half, it was now or never, I wanted one. The noise of the gathering swirled around me, it was if I was caught in a whirlpool, silence gathering at my ears, being sucked under.
People slowly left the house and disappeared to the pub. I stood rooted to the spot as they glided past me. Their voices echoing around the room. Then it was just me and the mother. I walked over in what seemed like an eternity and was surprised to hear my voice croak ‘may I hold your baby please?’. I put my arms out and lifted the tiny object straight to my nose for a sniff. Johnsons baby powder filled my nostrils. It was then I knew, I mean I really knew, I wanted one.
For 6 whole months I pleaded and cried, but my partner insisted that family life was not for him and anyway he didn’t think that I was serious. I have never admired anyone who would deceive a man so I never deliberately tried. I did of course have the occasional accident but it never came to anything.
And as suddenly as the madness arrived, it went. Crisis over.
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1 comments:
Fab blog Jac....I'm sure it wasn't an easy thing to go through, or to write about for that matter. Eve though I'm sure you'd have made an excellent Mum, I also think you're pretty fabulous as you are. x